Auditions for FF8
by Tiomoid
Summary: Featuring cameos from other FF's. The directors choices may be a bit odd but what would you're sanity be like after making 7 FF's. This fic is spontaneous and insane. Please R+R
1. The Invitation

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the final fantasy games, Squaresoft does. (But not for long Mwahahaha!)

A/N: This is not an idea thought up previously then transferred to fanfiction. This is being written as I go along, be warned anything could happen.

Cloud sat up and got out of bed. He stretched and got dressed in his only set of clothes. He opened the door of his room at the Costa del Sol house and was suddenly hit in the face by a snowball. He wiped the white slush of his face and glared at Yuffie.

"Where the hell did you get that from!"

"Its snowing Cloud! Its snowing, its snowing, itssnowingitssnowingitssnowing!"

"At Costa del Sol?" 

Yuffie nodded. Cloud's mouth slowly widened into a stupefied grin and he ran out the door. 

Cloud pushed the carrot into the snowman's face and stood back to admire his work. He watched in horror as the snowman's head sailed into the air. He looked up as it plummeted into his face. He scraped it out of eyes and looked up to see Sephiroth with a baseball bat.

"That was really mean, Sephiroth." Cloud whined

Sephiroth smashed the bat into Cloud's face and walked inside the house. 

The mailman walked up to Cloud and gave him a letter. Cloud opened it.

_To the heroes of the world._

_You are invited to the auditions for the forthcoming Final Fantasy VIII. _

_Yours truly, Sakaguchi San_

_PS please don't destroy the studio, like last time._

Cloud grinned and ran inside to tell everyone. He opened the door and ran straight into Sephiroth's waiting baseball bat. Sephiroth walked off laughing. Cloud got up and rubbed his nose before showing the letter to the others.

"Wow!" Tifa exclaimed, "This could be my big break!"

"What could be a bigger break than having the biggest breasts in the most popular Final Fantasy game of all time." Nanaki asked

"Um…I…don't know." Tifa replied confused

"I want to get Zell." Cloud said, punching the air

"You don't even know martial arts, I should be Zell." Tifa said

"But you're a girl. Aren't you?" Cloud queried

"Oh yeah."

"You are really out of it today." Nanaki commented to Tifa

"Well I'm gonna be Squall, course only me could be a leader." Barret ranted

Everybody slowly shook their heads.

"Well then I'll be Rajin y'know foo'."

"Whatever." Yuffie said, " I am going to be Selphie."

"You do know there is no Materia in FF8." Aeris said

"What! No way! Fine you can be Selphie." Yuffie said to Aeris

"Yay!"

"Why the $%&* would you want to be that $%£^ Selphie." Cid asked, "I'm gonna try for that %"$& @$$ Seifer."

"Well then, off to the auditions!" Cloud yelled and ran out the door into a baseball bat. Sephiroth stepped over him and walked off somewhere laughing his head off.

Cloud knocked on the studio door and waited. Suddenly the door was swung open into his face.

"Ow. What's your problem?" Cloud complained as he got up. He looked at the old man in front of him. 

"Oh great it's you guys." Cecil said sarcastically. "Hey Rosa, look who it is. It's those 3 dimensional pricks from the 'Playstation'."

"You're just upset because you're only character who has purple hair and you failed the auditions for the last 3 Final Fantasies." Rosa said

"But not this time, Mwahaha!" Cecil let them in and walked off laughing manically.

The group walked through the vast studio,

"$%£^ Almost every god damn main character gets a  ^&%£$ change of clothes. They must have one £%$^ big wardrobe." Cid commented reading off a notice.

"Well actually me and Cloud both had 4 outfits. Aeris had two and Vincent had two." Tifa said

"What! And I'm stuck with just one %$"& stinking get up."

A/N: Well there's chapter 1. Tell me what you think and I might write more. Send suggestions to ultimateff2@lycos.com


	2. Auditions for Zell

A/N: Sorry I switched to script style in the middle of a Fic but the auditions were just easier to write this way.

Auditions for Zell 

Director: Next…Cloud

Cloud remains sitting on the side stroking his Buster Sword.

Director: Cloud Strife

Cloud jumps and walks up.

Director: Just do some punches and kicks first.

Cloud: Sword?

Director: Punches and kicks.

Cloud: Sword?

Director: [exasperated] punches and kicks, y'know like Bruce Lee 'watahh' stuff.

Cloud: Sword?

*Tifa runs on and beats Cloud to the ground with a stunning Martial Arts set. *

Sabin: This part is mine

Tifa: Fight for it

Both perform extravagant Kung Fu sets to warm up.

Director: [sighs] Okay whoever wins this fight gets to be Zell.

Sabin goes in with a steal-a-step sidekick but is pinned to the ground by Tifa's breasts. She gets up leaving Sabin lying on the floor with a dopey smile on his face.

Director: Oh dammit I was sure that guy would win that.


	3. Auditions for Squall

Auditions for Squall 

Director: Next…Vincent Valentine

Vincent: … [antisocial vibes emanating everywhere]

Director: This guy is perfect, but we have one more

Shadow: … [mega-antisocial vibes emanating everywhere]

Director: This guy is even better!

Vincent spins Death Penalty on his thumb and lets off a round into the directors knee.

Director: FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…

Aeris: Cure 3

Director: …dge

Aeris: Fudge? What sort of sad, pathetic weirdo are you. Just say fuck like a normal person.

Director: That's exactly the sort of person we need for Squall. You're hired.

A shuirken hits the director in the back of the head.

Aeris: [picks up the script from the directors cold dead hands] '…' 'Whatever' '…' Hey these lines are easy.

Cloud: What happened to the director?

Aeris: Dead.

Cloud: Hey you're very non-talkative all of a sudden.

Aeris: …

Cloud: Well then I guess I'll have to be the director, Heheeahuwahaha.

A baseball bat came creaming down on Clouds skull

Sephiroth: In your dreams dumb ass. [Sits down in the director's chair and picks up the megaphone]


	4. Auditions for Quistis

Auditions for Quistis 

Sephiroth: Next

Celes: [seductively] Hi Sephy.

Sephiroth: You know I have an absolutely massive sword

Celes: So do I.

Sephiroth: I really hope we're talking about different things here.

Celes: Huh?

Sephiroth: To put it another way I have two really big swords.

Celes: Really? Me too.

Sephiroth: If I cast you as Quistis will you go away and never come near me again.

Celes: Actually I don't want to work with a director who pretends to like swords but doesn't really. But before I leave have a look at my swords.

Sephiroth begins to avert his eyes fearing the worst. Celes held out a Broadsword and a Katana then turns to leave.

Sephiroth: Wait there's been a misunderstanding. [Celes doesn't hear.] Dammit why does this always happen to me.

Celes bumped into Cloud on the way out

Celes: Do you like my swords? Sephiroth was being a bit weird about them.

Celes held out her swords again

Cloud: Cool. I'll trade my Buster sword for them. It's really big so it's a fair trade.

Celes: Wow that is big. [Swaps swords with Cloud]

Celes and Cloud walk off talking about swords

Sephiroth: Why am I the only person on this planet who gets confused when people talk about the size of their swords.

Quistis: Can I be Quistis.

Sephiroth: Sure. I'm going for a coffee break


	5. Breaktime

Tifa sits down on a sofa next to Aeris. A blonde haired boy, about 14 is serving drinks.

Zidane: Hey Tifa would you like milk or sugar, or maybe some of my milk if you know what I mean.

Tifa: Piss off you little retard.

Aeris: He's only 14 and he's trying to get some, what a horny little git. 

Zidane sees Terra walk past and slips out to follow her.

Aeris: How did your Zell audition go?

Tifa: Sabin's a pretty good fighter but nothing can compare to my lap attack.

Aeris: That's a pretty slutty way of getting a part. I got my part by swearing at the director

Tifa: I didn't know they'd done the Selphie auditions yet.

Aeris: They haven't. I'm Squall.

Squall: [who was sitting on a chair near them] What! They cast a girl as me instead of me! [Storms out destroying a lot of stuff with his gunblade.]

Tifa: You come here to try and get Selphie and you wind up as Squall, how does that work.

Aeris: I don't know but I get a main character's salary and I hardly say any lines. 

Tifa: Now that is a good job.

Cloud walks in.

Aeris: [Takes a deep breath] Hey-Cloud-now-that-I'm-getting-a-gunblade-which-is-a-type-of-sword-you'll-like-me-better-than-Tifa-right?

Cloud: Umm I dunno. It is part gun…

Tifa: Cloud where's your Buster Sword?

Cloud: I traded it for these.

Cloud held out Celes' swords

They step outside the room and see everybody from 4-6 talking in little groups, trading swords.

Sephiroth walks in

Sephiroth: Oh my God its Pokemon cards all over again. [Runs away screaming.]

Cloud: Unfortunately you losers have no swords so I'm going to go hang around with my sword buddies. [Pulls down an eyelid and sticks his tongue out. Then goes over to Celes who is still holding the Buster sword protectively.]

Aeris and Tifa stare at the groups of people.

Tifa: How childish

Aeris: So immature

*Awkward silence *

Tifa: Want to get some swords?

Aeris: Yeah

The two run off to the nearest weapons shop. 

Sephiroth: [on the megaphone] Auditions for the part of Selphie Tilmett now.


	6. Auditions for Selphie

Auditions for Selphie 

Yuffie: [singing very badly] I like Materi… I mean trains

Sephiroth: Next

Yuffie gives Sephiroth the finger as she leaves.

Sephiroth: Next is…Vincent!?

Vincent stands and stares…and stares…and stares…and stares…and itches his nose…and stares…and leaves

Sephiroth: [blinks] Um…Okay. Aeris.

Zidane: She's gone to buy swords.

Sephiroth: Oh for God's sake

Zidane: Can I be Selphie?

Sephiroth: Why would you, anybody for that matter, want to be Selphie?

Zidane: Because I'm short and annoying and I would get access to the girls dressing room.

Sephiroth: No, now piss off. Next, Relm Arowney

Relm: I refuse to sink to that level.

Sephiroth: But you're already the weird kid who uses a paintbrush in battle, this is a step up for you.

Relm: …

Sephiroth: [patronizingly] You get Nunchaku

Relm: I want a sword

Sephiroth: [even more patronizingly] If I give you my Masamune will you be Selphie because I really can't be arsed to find anyone else

Relm: Okay!

Sephiroth: [gives her his sword] Now go and play and leave me alone.

Sephiroth goes back to looking at the script then hears Relm around the corner

Relm: Look what I got, Sephiroth's sword

Crowd: Ooooh.

Cloud: I'll trade you my Organics for it.

Relm: Okay

Sephiroth: [vein bulges on forehead] That stupid kid is going to trade my Masamune for an Organics sword.

Sephiroth leaps forward vengefully with his trusty baseball bat, which makes contact with Cloud's face before the transaction can be completed.

Sephiroth: [beating Cloud on the ground] You [whack] will [crunch] never [thump] get [smash] my [thud] sword [boink]

Locke: [slyly] I'll trade a dirk for it

Relm: Uh I don't really know what a dirk is but Okay!

Sephiroth facefaults.


	7. Auditions for Rinoa

Auditions for Rinoa

Sephiroth: Okay next part is Rinoa…

Director: Hey that's my job

Sephiroth: When did you come back from the dead?

Director: Some kind people took pity on my corpse which you threw out with the trash and gave me a phoenix down

Sephiroth: Okay, it's all yours [stands back]

Director: Right…Rinoa. [Looks around and sees a long black haired figure with their back turned to him.] Ah that person looks perfect [walks over and taps them on the shoulder] Congratulations you're the new Rinoa Heartilly

Vincent spun around and planted a bullet from death penalty between the director's eyes.

Sephiroth: [Looks at the list of applicants for Rinoa] Why are all the names crossed off

Zidane: Because no one wants to do FF8 now because they're all more interested in swords

Sephiroth: I wasn't asking you.

Zidane: Who were you asking, there's no one else here.

Sephiroth: [sarcastically] The little voices in my head, now piss off.

Sephiroth walked over to the nearest group of people and grabbed Rosa by the arm.

Sephiroth: Will you please be Rinoa

Rosa: No…she doesn't get a sword

Sephiroth: What if I change the script so that Rinoa has a gunblade and Squall has a weird disc thing?

Rosa: Okay!

Aeris: Hey no fair, you can't take my gunblade

Aeris tackles Sephiroth and starts pummelling him in the stomach.

Sephiroth: [to Aeris] Okay I won't change the script [To Rosa] Rosa would you please just be Rinoa

Rosa: No.

Sephiroth throws Aeris off him and gets up. 

Sephiroth: [Throws a nearby bucket of black paint over Rosa's hair] DO THE PART OR I'LL DESTROY THE PLANET

Rosa: Eww, sticky, but still no.

Sephiroth fumes back to the director's chair and watches as some janitors pick up the directors corpse and once again throw it out the door.

Sephiroth: In the meantime we'll just do Laguna. Hey Vincent, you'd be good at this part

Vincent: A goofy, clumsy idiot?! [Jokingly] I'd rather be Rinoa

Sephiroth: At last we have a Rinoa [walks off]

Vincent: No! That's not what I meant, I was…Oh man, stuff like this always happens to me.

Vincent turns and runs firing shots behind him at the make-up and wardrobe crew.


End file.
